When Life Gives You Lemons (or Hands You an Anti-Mentor)

For every mentor or sponsor who champions a high-potential employee's promotion, there's an equally impactful and diametrically opposite figure: the anti-mentor. This is the boss who publicly berates their team and the executive who demands revisions to a maternity leave memo while the mom-to-be is in active labor (true story). While mentors show young professionals their untapped potential, an anti-mentor’s insecurities and personal criticisms paradoxically catalyze many of today’s leaders to define their leadership styles and create environments where rising talent can thrive.

Photo by Henrik Dønnestad on Unsplash

The anti-mentor concept resonates with many mid-career professionals, executives, and other organizational leaders. Most of us have encountered an anti-mentor, whether we've acknowledged it or not. These experiences have often made us more compassionate, intentional, and influential leaders. The women leaders at the core of the JEWEL Project exemplify how we can transform these challenging “I can’t believe this just happened” encounters into opportunities for growth and positive change. Let's explore three common anti-mentor archetypes below.

The Perpetually Battle-Ready Soldier

The previous generation of women leaders often achieved career pinnacles by adopting traditionally masculine leadership styles, competing fiercely rather than introducing alternative leadership models. Younger women professionals observed figures whose careers ascended rapidly yet often plateaued at certain levels. Male superiors viewed them as too aggressive, while younger generations did whatever they could to not work under them.

A mentee who eventually reached a Fortune 500 VP position reflects, "At that time, women had to walk an incredibly fine line... tough enough to be taken seriously, but not so tough so as to be perceived as threatening." This insight led her to develop a personal leadership style that balances assertiveness in calling out sexism with the empathy needed to build strong relationships with leadership, peers, and team members.

The public company executive with the memo mentioned above recognizes that the "I struggled to get here as a woman, so I won't make it any easier for those who follow" attitude has become counterproductive in the modern workplace. Witnessing peers’ disillusionment and contemplation of career change, she commits to ensuring younger women feel valued both professionally and personally, without compromising on expectations or workload.

Her approach? "We can inhabit multiple roles—professional, spouse, parent—but it's undeniably challenging.” She makes herself available to colleagues seeking guidance and, in recognizing that actions speak louder than words, she leads by example.

The Credit Monopolizer

A public company executive recounts working for leaders who routinely claimed credit for their team's efforts. She observed her managers basking in praise without so much as a nod to the team who’d been heads down for weeks, pulling late nights behind the scenes. While understanding that presenters naturally receive the most overt credit, she gained an appreciation for a leader's responsibility to highlight their team contributions.

Rather than getting frustrated, she acted strategically. She committed to building social capital by fostering relationships and showcasing her contributions during the project development phase. By the time the major presentation occurred, influential stakeholders knew to direct relevant questions her way, in front of the company’s leadership. Today, she coaches her team members on similar strategies for gaining visibility.

Another leader shares her experience with an executive director whose "zero-sum view of power and credit undermined the organization's impact." When her team shined, the ED felt her own light was dimmed. This mindset compromised trust across the organization and eventually led to the ED's downfall. Learning from this, the evolved leader makes it a point of giving her team opportunities to present to the board. It’s not just good for morale; it expands the pool of effective leadership. 

The Overly Personal Critic

Most professionals appreciate leaders who maintain high standards; however, there's a fine line between constructive feedback and personal criticism. Achievement-oriented individuals generally respond well to clear, goal-oriented feedback. Yet the situation becomes problematic when that feedback appears self-serving or veers into personal attack territory.

One executive recalls an early-career boss whose inconsistent and biased evaluations often lost sight of departmental or company objectives, leaving her feeling personally attacked versus professionally guided. This experience shaped her current approach to giving feedback: she ensures it's contextualized within organizational goals and delivered "in a manner that allows people to absorb it constructively and return to work the next day with motivation intact."

A brand manager shares a particularly stark example of destructive feedback. After presenting a project that took months to complete, her executive silently tore up the deck, tossed it on the table, and warned her not to return until she had "a better deliverable." Shaken by this experience, she aims to give specific, growth-oriented feedback and help her team grow through challenges and not in spite of them.

Hidden Gems for Leaders, Mentors, and Mentees

As authentic leaders and mentors (and hopefully not anti-mentors), we can

• Treat our colleagues with mutual respect always.

• Demonstrate the importance of building and sustaining relationships in order to increase our impact and more effectively achieve individual, team, and organizational goals.

• Share credit with all team members who contribute to praiseworthy end results.

• Deliver direct, constructive feedback, aligned with goals and objectives.

As mentees and early- to mid-career professionals, we can

• Reflect on the power of these stories to generate learnings from our own experiences.

• Act with thoughtfulness and candor as we engage with our managers and speak up when we notice some of these behaviors emerging.

• Examine critically our own behaviors and consciously define the leaders– and mentors– we intend to be.

The Unexpected Influence of Anti-Mentors

A recurring, surprising theme in my research is that these adverse experiences are often the secret ingredient in creating exceptional leaders. Growing into the version of our own ‘best leader’ often occurs through a process of elimination. Many resilient and impactful leaders have developed their styles by identifying destructive behaviors and consciously steering in the opposite direction. They use negative examples as blueprints for what not to do.

In reflection, how might we acknowledge the unintended lessons from our anti-mentors? Perhaps it’s by recognizing how they have contributed to shaping us into the empathetic, effective leaders we strive to be. 

Did you have an anti-mentor who shaped your leadership style? I’d love to hear your 'war story.' It just might be the wake-up call that someone else needs to hear. Post here to share with others, or email me at rachel@rachel-wexler.com.

Photo by Henrik Dønnestad on Unsplash.